I grew a mighty Winterbeard to see me through the long, cold months, but just as the snow melts and the ice floes crack, so too must the beard fade. And thus I wielded the razor Durendal of the many blades to cleave the beard from my face forevermore. So rejoice, sound the trumpet Olifant and let it be declared: Spring is here!
tl;dr this was my face until about a half hour ago and also reading Clash of Kings reminds me that someday I want to write a sword and sorcery novel based on the Matter of France.
Prior to copulation, each of the two snails (or slugs) attempt to “shoot” one (or more) darts into the other snail (or slug). There is no organ to receive the dart; this action is more analogous to a stabbing, or to being shot with an arrow. The dart does not fly through the air to reach its target however; instead it is fired as a contact shot.
The love dart is emphatically not a penial stylet (in other words this is not an accessory organ for sperm transfer). The exchange ofsperm between both of the two land snails is a completely separate part of the mating progression. Nevertheless, recent research shows that use of the dart can strongly favor the reproductive outcome for the snail that is able to lodge a dart first in its partner. This is because mucus on the dart introduces a hormone-like substance that allows far more of its sperm to survive.
Today I spent five hours in a car driving home from Edmonton by myself. I was listening to my favourite broadcast journalist describe the town I’m living in as the most hated in Canada, which is probably true. “As the plane landed I was shocked that I couldn’t see a circle out of Dante’s Inferno, just a lot of standard Canadian wilderness and a small town.” And the funny thing about it is that he was being totally sincere.
Anyways, he revealed that he has a brother named Tyrone and I remembered that my Mom wanted to give that name to my brother but reason/my father prevailed.
where the badguy says something to the effect of “bring him to me/keep him alive so that I can teach him some manners” and then the genre switches to a Downton Abbey-style Edwardian drama. Seriously. It’d be amazing.
It was okay, I’m going to move on and read the next one.
Some people told me I had to read it and that it was as good as or better than Tolkien and Robert Howard. This was not the case. It’s good but it’s definitely not in the pantheon for all time greats.
I hate it when people romanticize medieval-ish settings and forget to mention the dark side of people dying before 35 from dysentery or whatever. It gets especially bad when some authors (though not here) basically treat it as the modern world but with horses for cars and swords for guns and magic as a catch all for anything else.
The were so many whores. I mean, I get that women in the olden days generally weren’t members of the workforce and I don’t mind the odd whore here and there to class up a novel, but I can’t think of a single female character who wasn’t highborn or a whore. No wait, there was the gypsy woman. One character. Plus they just throw the term around so casually I couldn’t help but picture the narrator as some rejected WOW addict who just assumes all non-princess women are whores.
I really liked the High Fantasy version of Hadrian’s Wall. That was wicked.
From the reviews I’ve peeked at, it sounds like the next couple of books get even better. So that’s good.
I think my favourite characters all ended up dead: King Robert, Ned, Khal Drogo. Yup.
1. Going “tits up”. I always assumed this was a drowning reference, sort of like when you talk about a business going under, except then I thought about it and when you drown you’re more likely to be tits down. Probably shouldn’t have Googled that in public. Apparently it just refers to a naked woman lying on her back, which I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. You’d think a business going tits up would be a good thing. What’s wrong with a business metaphorically showing you her tits? If logic applied at all, the phrase would mean a business fully disclosing information about itself for the purpose of titillation or something. But obviously that’s not the case. Instead I guess it just means getting fucked, like the unpleasant kind, as in getting fucked over. Disappointing.
2. “Don’t know you from Adam.” This one really bugs me because that’s my name. Obviously it means “I don’t know you” but who is Adam and why is having him as a reference important? I’m guessing from the Bible, but what does that have to do with anything? You don’t know that Adam either, because even if that Adam was real, he would’ve died millenia ago. I Googled this too and the only relevant thing I got was that it’s an old “Nantuckerism”. All I know about Nantucket is that there once was a man from Nantucket, and that’s literally all I know about him. Maybe his name was Adam.
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”—Ernest Hemingway, from A Farewell to Arms
Did you guys read that A.V. Club Inventory last week of crazy foods that are two junk foods together? That might’ve been the greatest thing ever.
Lately I’ve been having this really morbid but exciting daydream of just retiring anonymously to some middle-sized American city and getting disgustingly fat. I’d be like an explorer but for horriblicious junk food. For some reason I keep thinking Atlanta would be perfect. I’d never in a million years run into anyone I know in Atlanta, and isn’t it where Coca-Cola and a bunch of other fast food conglomerates are headquartered? I think it is, but I’m not going to look it up because I want to keep the dream alive.
So if I ever go missing and you want to find out what happened to me, just remember the lyrics to Rage Against The Machine’s Ghost of Tom Joad:
Now Tom said, “Ma, whenever ya see a slob eatin’ his fries Wherever a hungry new born baby cries Wherever there’s a whiff of barbecue or chipotle sauce in the air Look for me Ma I’ll be there
"Wherever somebody’s strugglin’ for a place to stand For some bbq wings or a plate of ham Wherever somebody’s strugglin’ to eat free Look in their eyes ma, You’ll see me!” [repeat 8 times]
Don’t listen to their lies. Orange rhymes with door hinge.
This one has a butthole. They all do. It’s gross.
They are stress balls until you are ready to eat them.
As Shannon on Twitter pointed out yesterday, you win at oranges if you can peel your orange all in one go.
Someone told me if you dry an orange peel it becomes quite flammable. Drying out my peels now, will report back when accurate information is available.
My Mom was telling me about some dude who is wicked old but not dead and he says it’s cause he eats one everyday. I’ve been binge eating oranges for the last few days but I’ll probably stop by Friday and forget they’re a thing and die when I’m 35 or something.
I always figured that commandment was about not saying presumptuous things about God like “God wants us to invade Iraq” or “God has a special plan for me and it’s being a Republican-voting soccer mom in Arizona.” But nope, it just means don’t use his name when you stub your toe.
where were the invisible children back in 2001, when a Nigerian prince was being persecuted and needed to raise money in order get out of the country and access his inheritance? He sent out so many emails crying for help, and not one of them did anything about it
So apparently the fifth episode of the new season of Mad Men is called “Signal 30” which is a driver safety film that the top Google result describes as, “Legendary shock driving safety film featuring numerous scenes of mutilated cars and injured/dead people and a voiceover lacking in compassion.”
Which makes me think that either a major character finally gets in a drunk driving accident, or better yet Pete Cambell takes up Teddy Chaouguh-guh’s offer to learn to drive and he has to watch this film first.
Also there’s an episode named after Shirley Temple’s At The Codfish Ball.
And yes, I spend way too much time thinking about Mad Men.
People need to be more fluent in sci-fi because sometimes I say things like “I’d like to toss X out an airlock” and they think I’m making an innuendo, when obviously it’s the exact opposite of that. It’s 2011. I know we don’t have jetpacks and flying cars yet but we should at least be able to talk about them, right?
I'd watch that if Trudy was with him in the apocalyptic wastes.
She’s not. The whole story is obviously going to be about how Pete Cambell has to track down the Mutant Ice Queen of the Wastes (January Jones) to save Trudy. He also has to make deals with his backstabby inlaws but at least he has Duck Phillips’ abandoned dog as his plucky sidekick.
I want to watch the alternate universe Mad Men where the Cuban Missile Crisis ended in nuclear warfare and Pete Cambell wakes up in a post-apocalyptic New York with nothing but his bitchface, his hunting rifle and the one chip’n’dip he kept.
Friend: yeah so I have this thing where whenever I’ve gotta take a particularly big and unpleasant dump I watch youtube videos of famous childbirthing scenes from the movies. You know, the old “save your strength until you’re ten centimetres dilated, okay… push! One last push! Come on!” But I guess this isn’t normal because the other day I had too much fibre and I guess my roommate heard me and the video and thought I was pounding my meat to it, which, I mean, no, gross. That’s not sexy. It’s just inspiration to get my pooh out.
"What? People say a lot of bullshit on the Internet."
"No, I looked it up. I mean, technically he was only lost at sea. But since they never found a body I think it’s safe to assume that parts of him were eaten by sharks. Unless sharks are like spiders who only eat things they’ve killed themselves.”
"Spiders do that?"
"Oh yeah. A spider’d only eat a prime minister if it killed one itself. And if anything, they’d probably prefer one from New Zealand.”
"If you told me a Canadian prime minister got eaten, I’d bet it was Mackenzie King. I mean, he never married and he had pets. You know they took a bite in the days before they found his body.”
Is anyone else watching this @PBS doc about the #Amish?
Sarcastic Internet hashtags aside it’s actually really good. I’d kind of like to give up all this modern technology and live life on an Amish farm… for about a day. But still, it’d be something, wouldn’t it?
There are a bunch of Mennonite communities in the Prairies, is that pretty much the same thing? I think it is, right?
I knew adding my uncle to Facebook was a genius idea
Today he reposted this and I can’t stop laughing:
ALL PARENTS PLEASE BE AWARE!! …There is a drug going around the schools …Its known as Strawberry Quick …or strawberry meth …it looks like pop rocks kids eat & also smells like strawberries & also comes in other flavours like chocolate etc … Please tell your children not to take candy from anyone even a class mate because this drug that looks like pop rocks is actually crystal meth rocked up with strawberry flavour & can kill them :’( …PLEASE REPOST!!! so all parents are aware of this …Thank You! This is happening all over the country
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and no, there isn’t a chance that he’s self-aware enough to be posting this ironically.