Goats from Underground

Is there a way to block someone else’s tweets/facebook messages so that no one on the Internet can read them? Thanks.

Bro: do you like my sweet new goatee? Does it make me look like a badass pirate?

Me: it’s okay. Is it some kind of joke? Is it don’t-shave-because-of-balls-cancer month again?

Bro: no I just thought it looked cool. Do I look like a pirate though? That’s what I’m going for here: pirate.

Me: you look like your application to join the Magician’s Alliance was rejected. Is that close?

Bro: it does look sort of like a magician’s goatee. Too bad I don’t know any card tricks.

Me: Illusions, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money… or candy.

Bro: who’s Michael?

The only thing better than his WTF face is that time he turned out to actually be watching women’s tennis inside the Wynn-ebago.

Because they don’t get along with each other, right?

First Michael Bay came for the Autobots,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Transformers fan.

Then Michael Bay came for the mutants,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Ninja Turtles fan.

Then Michael Bay came for me,
and there was no one left to speak out for me

Winter is coming over.

I grew a mighty Winterbeard to see me through the long, cold months, but just as the snow melts and the ice floes crack, so too must the beard fade. And thus I wielded the razor Durendal of the many blades to cleave the beard from my face forevermore. So rejoice, sound the trumpet Olifant and let it be declared: Spring is here!

tl;dr this was my face until about a half hour ago and also reading Clash of Kings reminds me that someday I want to write a sword and sorcery novel based on the Matter of France.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Sweden was the first European country to introduce bank notes in 1661. Now it’s come farther than most on the path toward getting rid of them.

“I can’t see why we should be printing bank notes at all anymore,” says Bjoern Ulvaeus, former member of 1970s pop group ABBA, and a vocal proponent for a world without cash. — Associated Press http://thechronicleherald.ca/business/74882-sweden-cashing-out-cash

I’m guessing Lisbeth Salander wasn’t available.

Still, I love thinking that some Associated Press writer gets assigned this story, and the first person he can think to interview is the guy from ABBA.

Love dart. Disgusting or kind of romantic? I can’t decide.

From Wiki:

A love dart (also known as a gypsobelum) is a hard, long, sharp, calcareous or chitinous dart which some hermaphroditic land snails and slugs create. Love darts are made in sexually mature animals only, and are used as part of the sequence of events during courtship, before actual mating takes place.

Prior to copulation, each of the two snails (or slugs) attempt to “shoot” one (or more) darts into the other snail (or slug). There is no organ to receive the dart; this action is more analogous to a stabbing, or to being shot with an arrow. The dart does not fly through the air to reach its target however; instead it is fired as a contact shot.

The love dart is emphatically not a penial stylet (in other words this is not an accessory organ for sperm transfer). The exchange ofsperm between both of the two land snails is a completely separate part of the mating progression. Nevertheless, recent research shows that use of the dart can strongly favor the reproductive outcome for the snail that is able to lodge a dart first in its partner. This is because mucus on the dart introduces a hormone-like substance that allows far more of its sperm to survive.

Don’t ever change, Dad.

Last night for supper I ate:

• cranberry sauce straight out of the can. Why?
• an orange, to feel like I’m being healthy (I’m not).
• one slice of cheese.
• “surprise” Easter chocolate. As in, “surprise, I ate it two weeks ago.”

Today I spent five hours in a car driving home from Edmonton by myself. I was listening to my favourite broadcast journalist describe the town I’m living in as the most hated in Canada, which is probably true. “As the plane landed I was shocked that I couldn’t see a circle out of Dante’s Inferno, just a lot of standard Canadian wilderness and a small town.” And the funny thing about it is that he was being totally sincere.

Anyways, he revealed that he has a brother named Tyrone and I remembered that my Mom wanted to give that name to my brother but reason/my father prevailed.

Just got back. Still the worst.

So it turns out that Hannibal Ghaddaffi had a giant yacht with a giant salt water fishtank and he was planning on putting giants sharks into it, but then Libya happened.

I guess I never realized that James Bond and countless action movies serve as inspiration for the other side, too.

where the badguy says something to the effect of “bring him to me/keep him alive so that I can teach him some manners” and then the genre switches to a Downton Abbey-style Edwardian drama. Seriously. It’d be amazing.

Oh God I just tried to “like” something on a Wikipedia article. Please send help.