Goats from Underground

Sunday night drunk is:

• Reading a Dashiell Hammett novel, remembering why he is the best (The Glass Key).
• Editing Wikipedia pages.
• Quoting Cattullus to friends because he’s kind of messed up, all kinds of LOL and perverted in the most hilarious way.
• Getting banned from Wikipedia for my edits.
• Listening to Rex Murphy he’s talking about how old people blow and they need need to be set out on ice floes and he’s among my favourites.
• Why isn’t Mad Men on?
• Rating various accents on a scale of sucks to bitchin.

“God in his wisdom has provided man with natural forks - his fingers. Therefore it is an insult to Him to substitute artificial metallic forks for them when eating.”

I’m reading a history of forks and it’s surprisingly fascinating. Romans used them but mostly just to serve food, not to eat it. They became popular with the upper classes in medieval Italy, but the rest of Europe still saw forks as an “unmanly Italian affectation”. 

God I hate myself for being this boring sometimes. Forks.

Finished the last Game of Thrones book, A Dance With Dragons. It was probably the best one since maybe A Clash of Kings. I’m kind of pissed at how slow things happen in the books. I mean, it’s five books in and Daenarys still hasn’t made it to King’s Landing and none of the Starks realize the others are still alive.

Phrases that I say as fast as I can every time I have the oppotunity to use them:

• Cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller.
• Bacon cheddar chicken ranch.
• Phone numbers. Start slow but speed up as I go along. 
• Also any long series of numbers.
• There’s more but I can’t think of them right now.

Top 10 fastest growing industries in the United States:

1. Generic pharmaceuticals
2. Solar panel manufacturing
3. For-profit universities
4. Pilates and yoga studios
5. Self-tanning product manufacturing
6. 3-D printer manufacturing
7. Social network game development
8. Hot sauce production
9. Sustainable building construction
10. Online eyeglasses sales

WTF?

Finally, something that makes me want to watch The Avengers movie:

Dark Knight Rises trailer to be screened with The Avengers.

• I’ve known that I live in the most hated town in Canada since I moved here, but it was only during this campaign that I realized Alberta is the most hated province in Canada, stealing the title from Quebec sometime in the early 21st century.
• In case you haven’t been paying attention (and why would you?) the Conservatives have been in power here since 1971, and this is the first really contentious election in memory. But if they lose power, it will be to a newly formed conservative party, composed of the original party’s rejects.
• Senator-in-waiting ballots can fuck right off. I’m not choosing someone for Harper to appoint to the Senate on the honour system. Either appoint senators or change the constitution so that we elect them. Pseudo-elections is fence-sitting  horseshit.
• I didn’t vote Progressive Conservative but I will be relieved if they win tonight. I don’t think the Wildrose Party is as bad as the media makes them out to be, but they’re bad enough.
• The incumbent in my riding is a guy from my hometown in N.S. with a Harvard degree, good ideas and he seems to “get things done”, but he’s Wildrose. I would’ve considered voting for him despite his party affiliation but they split our riding into two new ones and now he’s in the other one. 

I want to shave my head and be bald for summer but I don’t want to end up looking like a slightly more pleasant and reasonable version of Jared Loughner, which is what would happen. The worst.

I’m just going back to bed, because nothing today throws at me will even come close to “like a bewildered gorilla mistaking a Barbie for its dead cub.” Except maybe the very next line where he compares stamp collecting to prostitution. 

I wrote that this morning and then Lane Pryce beat the shit out of Peter Cambell’s bitchface and it turns out that Ken Cosgrove is a secret science fiction writer. Best Sunday ever. 

One time a friend couldn’t think of the term “tramp stamp” and said “bitch tag” instead, and I used to like that term more because it makes me think of a guy in a safari costume hunting bitches in the jungle with a blowdart gun so he can put radio trackers on them for science purposes. 

But now I’m back to preferring tramp stamp, because I realize that if you switch the words “jungle”, “safari”, “blowdart gun” and “science” in my story for the words “the Dome”, “douchebag”, “rohypnol” and “sex” respectively, then it’s probably a really depressing true story.

EDIT: it might’ve been whore tag, not bitch tag.

I was going to tell you all a story my great-grandmother told me about how she was out skipping one day when she was 12 and her friends came running up to her to tell her that they just heard on the radio that the Titanic had sunk just off the coast. But I can’t even tell the story because I’m sick of everyone trying to milk a hundred-year-old tragedy right to the last drop. Not sick in a more-morally-righteous way, but in a fatigued, “who really gives a shit anymore?” sort of way. Literally every way you turn your head there’s a Titanic memorial or a Titanic ‘celebration’ or some other shitty event. I don’t know.