Goats from Underground

1. Going “tits up”. I always assumed this was a drowning reference, sort of like when you talk about a business going under, except then I thought about it and when you drown you’re more likely to be tits down. Probably shouldn’t have Googled that in public. Apparently it just refers to a naked woman lying on her back, which I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. You’d think a business going tits up would be a good thing. What’s wrong with a business metaphorically showing you her tits? If logic applied at all, the phrase would mean a business fully disclosing information about itself for the purpose of titillation or something. But obviously that’s not the case. Instead I guess it just means getting fucked, like the unpleasant kind, as in getting fucked over. Disappointing.

2. “Don’t know you from Adam.” This one really bugs me because that’s my name. Obviously it means “I don’t know you” but who is Adam and why is having him as a reference important? I’m guessing from the Bible, but what does that have to do with anything? You don’t know that Adam either, because even if that Adam was real, he would’ve died millenia ago. I Googled this too and the only relevant thing I got was that it’s an old “Nantuckerism”. All I know about Nantucket is that there once was a man from Nantucket, and that’s literally all I know about him. Maybe his name was Adam.

Thoughts I’ve had tonight on the subject of whether or not I should go to sleep:

• It’s getting late I should go to bed.
• Okay, the battery on my Kindle is almost dead I’ll just read until it dies.
• Okay I’ll just plug it in so it’ll be charged up tomorrow and then I’ll go to bed.
• Hmmm… maybe I should just organize every single book on my Kindle by genre.
• Really horrible debates with self about how specific I should get with genre… I mean, Raymond Chandler isn’t generic mystery fiction. He’s the greatest author of hardboiled detective stories of all time, goddammit! My Kindle will strive to respect this.
• Oh look at that, the battery is charged. I can go back to reading Game of Thrones.
• The sun rises and laughs in my face.

Did you guys read that A.V. Club Inventory last week of crazy foods that are two junk foods together? That might’ve been the greatest thing ever.

Lately I’ve been having this really morbid but exciting daydream of just retiring anonymously to some middle-sized American city and getting disgustingly fat. I’d be like an explorer but for horriblicious junk food. For some reason I keep thinking Atlanta would be perfect. I’d never in a million years run into anyone I know in Atlanta, and isn’t it where Coca-Cola and a bunch of other fast food conglomerates are headquartered? I think it is, but I’m not going to look it up because I want to keep the dream alive.

So if I ever go missing and you want to find out what happened to me, just remember the lyrics to Rage Against The Machine’s Ghost of Tom Joad: 

Now Tom said, “Ma, whenever ya see a slob eatin’ his fries
Wherever a hungry new born baby cries
Wherever there’s a whiff of barbecue or chipotle sauce in the air
Look for me Ma 
I’ll be there 

“Wherever somebody’s strugglin’ for a place to stand
For some bbq wings or a plate of ham
Wherever somebody’s strugglin’ to eat free
Look in their eyes ma, 
You’ll see me!” [repeat 8 times]

• They are my new favourite fruit.
• Don’t listen to their lies. Orange rhymes with door hinge. 
• This one has a butthole. They all do. It’s gross.
• Citrus.
• They are stress balls until you are ready to eat them.
• As Shannon on Twitter pointed out yesterday, you win at oranges if you can peel your orange all in one go.
• Someone told me if you dry an orange peel it becomes quite flammable. Drying out my peels now, will report back when accurate information is available.
• My Mom was telling me about some dude who is wicked old but not dead and he says it’s cause he eats one everyday. I’ve been binge eating oranges for the last few days but I’ll probably stop by Friday and forget they’re a thing and die when I’m 35 or something.

Just use this as your second sentence: “In addition to several food allergies, including rennet and durum wheat, he has visual and textural aversions to most foods that border on the pathological. ”

Visual and textural aversions.

Fuck right off.

(From here.)

I always figured that commandment was about not saying presumptuous things about God like “God wants us to invade Iraq” or “God has a special plan for me and it’s being a Republican-voting soccer mom in Arizona.” But nope, it just means don’t use his name when you stub your toe.

logicallypositive:

where were the invisible children back in 2001, when a Nigerian prince was being persecuted and needed to raise money in order get out of the country and access his inheritance? He sent out so many emails crying for help, and not one of them did anything about it

So apparently the fifth episode of the new season of Mad Men is called “Signal 30” which is a driver safety film that the top Google result describes as, “Legendary shock driving safety film featuring numerous scenes of mutilated cars and injured/dead people and a voiceover lacking in compassion.” 

Which makes me think that either a major character finally gets in a drunk driving accident, or better yet Pete Cambell takes up Teddy Chaouguh-guh’s offer to learn to drive and he has to watch this film first.

Also there’s an episode named after Shirley Temple’s At The Codfish Ball.

And yes, I spend way too much time thinking about Mad Men.

Yes. Until the end of time.

People need to be more fluent in sci-fi because sometimes I say things like “I’d like to toss X out an airlock” and they think I’m making an innuendo, when obviously it’s the exact opposite of that. It’s 2011. I know we don’t have jetpacks and flying cars yet but we should at least be able to talk about them, right?

I want to watch the alternate universe Mad Men where the Cuban Missile Crisis ended in nuclear warfare and Pete Cambell wakes up in a post-apocalyptic New York with nothing but his bitchface, his hunting rifle and the one chip’n’dip he kept.

Friend: yeah so I have this thing where whenever I’ve gotta take a particularly big and unpleasant dump I watch youtube videos of famous childbirthing scenes from the movies. You know, the old “save your strength until you’re ten centimetres dilated, okay… push! One last push! Come on!” But I guess this isn’t normal because the other day I had too much fibre and I guess my roommate heard me and the video and thought I was pounding my meat to it, which, I mean, no, gross. That’s not sexy. It’s just inspiration to get my pooh out.

Me: Jesus Christ.