Goats from Underground

Mom: [Talking about how recent health issues of beloved family member worry her.] Listen, Adam, if anything like that ever happens to me —

Me: Mom, you don’t even have to say it. Of course I’d pull the plug. There’s no need for prolonged suffering and needlessly burdening loved ones.

Mom: I was going to say don’t let the doctors give me the tylenol with the codeine in it because it’s addictive and I think crackheads steal it and sell it on the street… But it’s good to know I can’t trust you when the time comes. 

Mom was only pretending to be upset, but I think maybe she got upset when Dad couldn’t stop laughing. Also, I added that “I’ll bring a pillow too, just in case” and we’ve been miming the smothering pillow and it just doesn’t get old.

The Muslims in my bible study group (!) tell me there’s basically two kinds of Muslims: those who come here to learn a better way of life with more freedom and those whose infiltrate Canada because they want to be terrorists.

I have an aunt who is still living in the Bush years and it’s hilarious but also the worst.

• AIDs.
• women thought that shoulder pads would make them awesome. Horrible fashion in general.
• the worst music ever.
• Mulroney, Reagan and Thatcher were all in power.
• People fell in love with Wall Street. WALL STREET.

The worst decade. The decade that literally brought us AIDs. If it wasn’t for the fact that me and most of my friends were born at the end of that decade, I’d have it annihilated. You know, if I could do that.

I would totally do a The Graduate to the Gilmore Girls.

End all of your messages in conjuctions or other words that require more words so that

(Friend saw me sorting through laundry pile, mess on floor)

Friend: are you digging for ancient ruins or just looking for your wallet?

Me: obviously I’m looking for my wallet. You couldn’t dig around ancient civilizations with this much abandon, you’d destroy some priceless artifact with this sort of careless — FOUND IT.

I’m going to start A Storm of Swords tonight, too. But honestly I’ll probably put it down and read other things for a few months before I finish it.

So far my favourite Game of Thrones characters are:

• Ned, King Robert and Kal Drogo, all dead in the first book.
• Daenarys.
• Jon Snow.
• Cersei is pretty cool but there’s not a whole lot of her.
• Tyrion until he somehow became a warrior and killed a shit-ton of people in the last two or three chapters.
• Theon Greyjoy and his sister.
• That one knight who travels with Daenarys is okay.
• I feel like Robb and the Kingslayer would be cool, but they aren’t in this book at all.
• Arya. I found her kind of generic and lame in the last book, but she got interesting when she started getting people killed in Harrenhal.

My least favourite characters are:

• Catelyn Stark. I’m sorry but I hate her and I hope her character gets killed off. She is the worst.
• Bran. He just sits there and doesn’t do anything. And then when something finally happens he just gets the most generic super power around. Dude should’ve strangled him, then pushed him off the tower.
• The Wildwoman from the North who protects Bran et al even though they killed her friends.

Love it.

Hobbies & Interests include: classic literature, modern cinema, weeping at real estate prices.

• “Is it a pony?” I am SO glad that Bert Cooper didn’t actually quit. He needs a spinoff where he just goes to other people’s parties and talks his awkward right-wing politics.
• Megan Calvet is awesome. She’s hot and Canadian and knows Draper’s real name. I’m guessing he told her because she saw that sheet for American Aviation with all the lies on it.
• Hary Crane and Roger Sterling negotiating was hilarious.
• “Do I suddenly appear to be wearing a skirt?” Weclome back, Pete.

Last night Moe knocked his dogfood bag off the shelf. Then he he got his head stuck in the bag trying to eat it all. Then when I took the bag off his head he vomitted the dog food all over the floor. Then he ate it back up again before I could clean it. Dogs.