Goats from Underground

You don’t show interest in them and they act like you’re a dick. You pretend to be friendly and genial towards them and they act like you’re a dick.

There’s no winning with them.

My parents are having a dinner party with their friends tonight and I dont want to be a part of it but I also don’t have anything to do so i’m hiding in the basement with my laptop like a 21st century Gollum.

about pygmy tribesmen in the Congo who were climbing up a 40-metre tall tree and then climbing out precariously on the branches just to gather honey:

Me: man, that’s insane. It’s so high up.

Dad: I couldn’t do it. I’d be shaking worse than a dog shitting razor blades.

Right click funny stoner dog picture, “copy image url”, paste to friend.

Friend: WTF?

Meant to send: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnku1k4ZBA1qezfj4o1_400.jpg

Instead sent: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmdc7mFPtu1qzfhuvo1_500.jpg

It’s late and I clicked the wrong link. It was a naked girl pic from the same tumblr. THEY WERE LITERALLY RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. Because on tumblr it’s okay to mix memes and softcore porn. FFFFFFFUUUUUU

My face is so fucking red right now, and my honour has been impinged. Fuck you, Tumblr.

PS

If you read my blog and i’m sure you don’t I’m so sorry. I feel like a dick.

Someone: what does JFK stand for? Just effing kidding?

Me: Jesus, no. You’re joking, right?

Someone: no, why?

Facebook won’t load for me and I’m kind of waiting for a semi-important message from a friend and this is day two it’s not working… I know Facebook isn’t down but everytime I go to the site I get a blank white page, or if I’m lucky a 404 error. What the shit?

and my mother was looking at classified ads and stuff to help him.

“Adam,” she asked me, “can you tell me what this means, I don’t have a clue.”

I figured it was lame ad speak: 3 bdr, 2 bth or something like that.

“It says 420 friendly. What does that mean?”

I almost burst out laughing.

“I have no idea. I am absolutely stumped. Completely clueless. You should tell him to check it out anyways, though.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^l |^^^^^^^^^^| |P
| ♥~♥ NO JUSTICE FOR CAYLEE MARIE ♥~♥ ||”””;..\___.
|……_______________| l______________l _||__|……, ]P
“(@)’(@)””“”“”“*l’(@)l’(@)l “”“”“”“”“”“”“”(@)’(@)”“”“’(@)
…Put this on your status & Keep this Convoy Going..
for Caylee Marie Anthony ♥

Honk! Honk! Loving how everyone is both A) an expert and B) a cynic on the American judicial system today. Honestly if I had a baby I’d probably try to get rid of it, too. Although i’d be more dropped on someone’s doorstep anonymously than dropped in the woods or whatever, but to each their own I guess. 

English nature film narrator: William Kirby has been an urban beekeeper since the late 90s. He maintains two hives on the roof of his loft along with his girlfriend, Melissa Leighton.

William: She really is my queen bee, for sure.

Melissa: did Will tell you I was his girlfriend? We only work together. Can you take that part out?

William: but what about that time you let me pollinate your flower?

Melissa: Jesus, really? That was one time, two years ago and I was high on cough syrup and I thought you were my stepfather.

William: [whimper] that actually hurt worse than any bee sting ever could.

Melissa: forget it. Can we just make some honey?

William [to camera]: most people don’t know this, but it’s actually quite hard to make honey if your heart isn’t in it.

Melissa: oh for fuck’s sake — are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me? 

William: you don’t have to be such a ‘bee’ about it.

Melissa: that’s it. I’m leaving. I’m going back to the commune. 

William: no! Don’t go! I love you more than drones love their queen!

Melissa: clean the fucking beeswax out of your ears, shitbird. I’m outta here. Gone. 

William: honey never goes bad, and neither does true love. I will win you back by harnessing the power of the honeybee. 

And from there it’s just another 70 pages of awkwardness and bad bee jokes. There’s also sequel material for Apiary II: Honey is Money, about William getting into the underground honey trade by accident and becoming a drugs kingpin.

So I just set up two brand new book shelves and filled them with my favourite books, and a whole bunch of ones that I’m excited to read soon. I was going to borrow my borrow my brother’s camera and take a picture but I hesitated because I don’t want to be one of those people who post book porn library pictures inevitably followed by monosyllabic captions like “want” that betray their desire not as a lust for literature, but an envy of literacy, if that makes any sense.

It’s not owning tons of books that makes you cool, it’s having read their stories. And I instinctively distrust those people who post pictures of their stacks of books, because — honestly — anyone who buys books by the box full probably isn’t doing it because they love reading. I mean, who are you trying to impress, LeVar Burton? He would hate your guts, you prick. As Schopenhauer puts it:

Buying books would be a good thing if one could also buy the time to read them in: but as a rule the purpose of the book is mistaken for the appropriation of the contents.

Anyways it’s late and I’m probably a little paranoid and I’m starting to lose my point but I love my books and I have a ton of great novels I’m reading now and people who post stupid pictures of libraries made out of legos or whatever are illiterate dicks, probably.

It’s like, online things don’t interest me and I want to do stuff in the real world. This won’t last, will it?

“Yeah she had a miscarriage a few years back. That must’ve sucked.”

“A miscarriage of what? Justice?”

“Erm, a baby miscarriage. She miscarried a baby.”

“You know, if you didn’t know the meaning of that word it would almost sound adorable, a baby miscarriage. Like something you almost take your infant to town in, but not quite… judging by the look on your face, I’m the only one who finds this funny.”

Fuck, that was kind of stupid of me.

all other countries may proceed to blow me

Little Brother: did you ever get high in college?
Me: nope.
LB: but you’ve definitely tried it before, right?
Me: naw, man. That shit’s dangerous.
LB: but [some guy I went to high school with] told me you got super baked with him that one time back in the day.
Me: didn’t happen.
LB: yes it did, he told me!
Me: it’s a sad day when you’d take the word of an admitted drug abuser over the word of your own brother. For shame. 
LB: I don’t care, I just want to know how much you know about it.
Me: well, okay. Here’s the truth: someone did offer me a marijuana cigarette one time but I turned it down because he looked sketchy as hell.
LB: (mocking) a marijuana cigarette. [laughs] okay, I believe you because no one would ever call it a ‘marijuana cigarette’.