Goats from Underground

Here’s hoping that a giant meteor destroys the Earth next year, or that 2012 is in some other way marginally better than 2011.

and I’m getting into an argument on the Internet about the existence (or lack thereof) of Yeti. 

My Brain: Are you sure we want to do this? I mean, it’s a Saturday afternoon and it’s New Year’s Eve and there are so many better things we could be doing.

Me: NO. SOMEONE WAS BEING WRONG ON THE INTERNET AND IT’S OUR JOB TO SET THEM STRAIGHT.

My brain: *sigh* Here we go again…

At least I’m learning. Maybe.

“Do you want to go bowling sometime?”

“No bowling is the dumbest, gayest thing there is.”

Help I’m regressing into a sullen 13-year-old.

Moe you need to stop eating all of the Christmas ball ornaments off of the tree. You’ve been doing it for almost a month now and it needs to stop. How have you not ruined your mouth on shards of glass? I know you think they are crunchy Christmas cheerios but they really aren’t. Please stop. 

You know, there’s a not-that-farfetched alternate universe where Space Jam was real except instead of aliens it was Kim Jong-il trying to kidnap Michael Jordan and getting him to play slave basketball for eternity.

Dude had a well-documented mad dictator boner for Jordan.

Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a North Korean giant living in my country?

My friend Ben taught me that there’s only one true way to play Risk: with a dodgy accent, full of jingoistic fervor for countries you don’t really care about and with patriotic anthems blasting from a nearby laptop at strategic moments. Here are my top picks for anthems to play while playing Risk:

• Independent, Neutral Turkmenistan State Anthem — why be neutral when you have such a bitching anthem? 
• Azerbaijan State Anthem — Really, all of those small central Asian republics have some great national anthems, it’s worth listening to a few here.
• America, Fuck Yeah! — On the other hand, America has such a shitty national anthem that it’s better to use this song.
• Rule, Britannia! Such a badass song. Use it whenever you’re on a winning streak. God Save The Queen can be used in a pinch, but only if it includes the oft elided verse about crushing those rebellious Scots. Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves! Brittons never never never shall be slaves!
• La Marseillaise It’s actually a good song, but should only be played during a retreat.
• Oh Beloved Land of Our Ancestors (Madagascar) — knowing how to play The Island Kingdom of Madagascar is the key to total victory.
• O Canada — when you need to stall for time insist on hearing your own national anthem. Remember: once in English, then again in French. That’s the Canadian way. Stand at attention with a hand over your heart. Bonus points if you shed a tear and blubber something about igloos or hakapiks.
• Marche Slav — the number one rule of warfare is never get into a land war in Asia and never march on Moscow. A lot of people would go with Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture for a Russian song, but March Slav is more bombastic, and that’s saying something when 1812 actually calls for artillery pieces to be fired as instruments.

But if ever there’s a time to use it, it’s right now in this liminal week between Christmas and New Years. I mean, you can’t wish someone a merry Christmas because it’s too late for that now, but it’s also kind of early for a happy new year. Right?

Bro: This is going to be awesome. Metallica rocks. 
Me: Metallica’s early stuff is okay, but you’re going to be disappointed because this is about St. Anger. 
Bro: Oh Man.
Me: I know, right? I downloaded St. Anger to my recycle bin so I could steal from Metallica without having to listen to their awful music.

Television: We made an angry album without the negative energy. I don’t think an angry album with positive energy was ever thought to be possible, but we did it.
Bro: They have a band therapist. This is basically Dethklok without the irony. Who’s the guy with the beard?
Me: I have to assume he’s some sort of druid responsible for the necromantic chanting that keeps their careers alive. 

Me: Did he just use the phrase “my lifestyle” as a song lyric? That’s not very heavy metal.
Bro: If anything he should be singing about his deathstyle.  

Bro: Hey look James Hetfield is trying to do a chin up aaaaaaaannnd he can’t quite do it.
Me: I’m impressed that he managed to maintain so much of his dignity while failing to do a chin up. I speak from experience when I say that it’s hard to look good while failing at athletics. All things considered, he really acquitted himself with dignity.

Me: I think it’s telling that they’ve decided to end this documentary by playing Ennio Morricone’s The Ecstasy of Gold rather than an actual Metallica song.

Rest in peace my beloved sea brethren. Your sacrifice will never be forgotten.

We just played from 8pm til 2am. No stopping, no breaks. AND WE DIDN’T EVEN FINISH THE GAME. We took an iphone photo of the board and wrote down our positions and stuff so we can pick up tomorrow. The good news is I have South America and a decent chunk of North America plus a strong foothold in Africa. Brother has Australia and enough of Asia to be a threat. Dad was kicking ass with Europe and a bunch of Africa but the Ukraine is weak and he will fall by my sword. Mom’s pretty much finished and I might even snag her cards.

Dad said he hasn’t been awake this late since he was my age.

I love my family and all that but I AM ABOUT TO CRUSH THEM BENEATH MY BOOT HEEL. 

Just had the annual yuletide game of Risk with the family and maybe I took it a bit too seriously BUT IT’S KIND OF UPSETTING WHEN YOUR FATHER IS A GODDAMN COWARD NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN WHO WON’T ATTACK YOUR HITLER OF A BROTHER IN GODDAMN ICELAND WHEN HE HAS THE CHANCE. DID YOU HONESTLY THINK HITLER WAS GOING TO KEEP HIS WORD ON CZECHOSLOVAKIA, DAD? JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS WHY GENERAL TOJO HAD TO GO ALL PEARL HARBOR ON YOUR PATHETIC ASS.

Have truer words ever been tweeted?

Devon was our neighbour and one of the best friends you could ever ask for when I was growing up in Cape Breton and he sent my family the nicest message ever on Facebook today. I don’t speak to him as much as I should these days, but his friendship really means a lot to me.  

Still, it does say something about the school system in Cape Breton when you can graduate with honours and not know the correct word choice in this situation is “describe”.

Side note: I can’t post about this morning’s encounter with Crazy Helena tonight because it is too messed up to do it justice and I’m kind of having too much fun making merry and whatnot.