Goats from Underground

Mom: Oh my God, they’re actually showing the surgery. That’s interesting.

Me: I don’t think that’s an actual surgery, if that’s what you’re suggesting.

Mom: Why do you think that?

Me: Because it’s a medical drama. They usually tend not to show actual… you know what? Nevermind. Maybe it is a real surgery.

You really thought that flimsy shit was going to protect you? Come on.

I’d rather lose one game than lose my dignity by choosing something other than rock. ROCK IS STRENGTH.

Cases in point: 

Any shortening of the word appetizer. “Would you like an appy with that?” I know you’re busy but abbreviating the word appetizer is going to save you zero time and make people hate you.

Drizzle. Disgusting. This word is bad in any context but especially with food. Nothing should make you associate dessert with male impotence. And yet people use it. Honestly, every time I hear that word I think of, like, Woody Allen and aerosol sprays and then I start gagging uncontrollably and want to die. 

Foodie. You like food? I think pretty much everyone likes food. Except maybe anorexics. “No, but I like nice food. I’m a good food aficionado.” Leaving out, again, that I’m sure most people like nice food, what you seem to be telling me when you call yourself a foodie is that you’re a bit of a snob but too stupid or apathetic to expand your vocabulary to use better, real words. And there’s no combination worse than ignorance and self-importance, you asshole. I hope you choke.

Locavore. I’ve want to explain my hate for this term but I can’t unclench my fists long enough to type words. 

So yeah, this is what I do on Friday nights. Sit alone in a dark room and rage.

Poking Fun at a Mess

By Park Seong Guk[2011-10-27 12:48 ]   
The kind of gallows humor that satirizes the state of North Korean society is as popular in North Korea as it ever was in other socialist states. 

As a source from North Hamkyung Province told The Daily NK on the 26th, “The North Korean currency has fallen off and people prefer foreign currency, so they call US Dollar ‘groom’ and Chinese Yuan ‘bride’, while the North Korean won is the mere ‘bridesmaid’.” 

Since the currency redenomination, there have been many cases of fraud or where people run away due to debt, too, meaning that now the term that means ‘to pay later’ (‘hubul’) has become ‘disappearance’ (haengbul), ‘borrowed money’ (‘ggun-don’) as ‘earned money’ (‘beon-don’) and those who are actually repaid the money they are owed are labeled a ‘war hero.’

I really just want the last season of Breaking Bad to have a Bugs Bunny “I knew I shoulda made a left turn at Albuquerque” joke. Bonus points if it’s preceded or followed by Bryan Cranston slapstick.

I’m choosing to believe the reason Vince Gilligan hasn’t made this joke already is because it’s being saved for the an epic punchline to the series.

That is all.

I’m reading the mosy depressing paper ever about how aid money for the Sri Lankan tsunami was used to evict subsistence fishers from the coast and used to fund more profitable luxury hotels in the same spots.

This is why I’m a bit of cynic and why I hate giving to charity if I can’t actually see how money is helping people.

Sometimes in literature you see a stock character that you might call the Cunning Slave or something. You know, he plays at being a dullard but proves he is not after he outwits his master and has a laugh. Xanthias in Aristophanes’ Frogs is a good example. However, that’s not what these jokes are about. These are a bit darker and play on the awfulness of slavery.

1. A ship at sea has met a storm so bad that one of the passengers starts to write his will. When he sees how upset his slaves are, he turns to them and says, “don’t cry. In my will, I have set you all free!”
2. A student dunce begets a child by a slave girl. When his father advises him to kill the child, he responds, “bury your own children first, then you can tell me what to do with mine!”
3. A student dunce is going to the city. His friend says, “do me a favour and buy me a couple of fifteen-year-old slaves while you’re there.” “Not a problem,” says the student dunce, “but if I cannot find two fifteen-year-olds, I will buy you one thirty-year-old.”

1. A couple of student dunces are complaining to each other that their fathers are still alive. One of them suggests that they strangle their old men. The other one says, “no way! I don’t want people to call us parricides! But if you like, you can kill mine and I will kill yours.”

2. A father catches his son sleeping with his grandmother and gives him a beating. The son says, “All this time you’ve been sleeping with my mother and I never said a word! But now you’re angry that you’ve caught me with your mother just this one time?”

3. A student dunce has the bad habit of estimating the cost of other people’s clothes. His father hears about this and scolds him. “Father,” he says, “you’ve been listening to slander. And probably not even from a reliable source.” The father responds by naming the accusor. “Him!?” says the son, “You’d believe someone whose suit costs less than fifty drachmae?”

I think I’m going to make these jokes a recurring thing. Thoughts?

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young Sumerian woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.

2. The Idiot asked the eunuch, “how many kids do you have?” 
The Eunuch says, “I am a eunuch, you idiot. I can’t have kids.”
The Idiot says, [fragment missing].

3. A student dunce’s child has died in infancy. After seeing how many people have gathered for the funeral, he keeps saying, “I’m ashamed to be burying such a small child in the presence of such a large crowd.”

4. A man goes to a barber to get his haircut. The barber asks, “how would you like your haircut?” The man says, “Silently.” 

Joke one is the oldest joke known to man, dating back to 1900 B.C. Source. It feels like it’s one of those you-had-to-be-there jokes. I’m fairly sure jokes 2, 3 & 4 are from Philolegos, an ancient Greek joke book, but I can’t seem to find a source for them except an old text file in my notepad linking to a 404ed website.

“What’s it like outside?”

“Oh, it’s a magical place. It’s like inside but there’s no roof, and the light comes from a star that’s burning millions of miles away but is still powerful enough to give sufficient heat for life on the planet. Sometimes it’s windy and sometimes it rains. I really do recommend trying it.”

“You dick I just meant what’s the weather like, I’ve been outside before.”