So Christmas 2010 was pretty awesome, except for Christmas morning which was a bit… weird.
You see, my family (like many) has a tradition where we get up and open presents and do all the Christmasy stuff. And this Christmas was supposed to be like any other, except just as we were gathering around the tree the doorbell rang.
It’s was our neighbour, an old spinster lady from Newfoundland named Elena. She sort of invited herself in and started talking to us. It was really awkward because who the hell decides to just drop in on someone on Christmas morning? No one wanted to ask her to stay, because obviously we had not bought any presents for old spinster lady. And we didn’t want to kick her out because what sort of cold hearted person kicks someone out on Christmas morning?
Plus, she was really offensive. When my teenage brother opened the door, she said “oh I see you’re still full of acne. That’s too bad.” My brother didn’t know what to say. Fortunately, she had an old Newfie remedy for acne, “the next time someone has a newborn baby, let it piss on you. Let it piss on your face. That’ll clear your acne right up.”
LET A NEWBORN BABY PISS ON YOUR FACE TO CLEAR UP YOUR ACNE. Seriously, bitch?
Later, out of nowhere she told my other brother that he should eat his turnips. “Turnips keep you wick lit, if you know what I mean. It’s why Newfies don’t have to take viagra.”
It was the most awkward thing ever.
Eventually Mom reminded her that she isn’t actually a spinster, and that she had a husband at home.
"Oh, I guess I should visit him at some point" she said, and then started to move towards the door.
We didn’t get rid of her until about two o’clock. It was horrible.