So last night we carved pumpkins and smoked panda. It was fun. I also saw The Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time ever. I don’t really see what all the hype was about.
Ashley: Remember [our old Japanese roommate] Toshii? He asked us what the holiday was where we carved turnips. That was awesome.
Me [while carving pumpkin]: I wonder if this is what our brains really look like. Friend: Well, less seeds, probably.
While watching Nightmare: Can you imagine if you were an elf at Santa’s workshop and you spent your entire life making toys and candy canes and bringing joy to kids and then all of a sudden a goddamn skeleton shows up? I would piss my little elf-pants.
Somehow I was the only person who managed to finish carving my pumpkin.
It is called the KFC Double Down and while this might be old news for some of you, it has only become available in Canada as of yesterday.
I have a friend whose personal motto goes “the soul is willing but the flesh is weak” and I’m only now beginning to understand what they mean by that. I think the quote is from Augustine.
Anyways, look at that burger. The Globe and Mail tells me that this monster contains no less than 540 calories, 30 grams of fat and 1,740 (!) milligrams of sodium. That’s insane.
I bet they had to kill two chickens (or just one of the super birds those anti-everything PETAphiles are always complaining about) just to make the damn thing.
So if I stop posting later this week it’s because I’ve died of a heart attack at the crispy tender age of 22 after eating one of these. But don’t mourn my passing, because I’ll have died the way I lived: without any trace of self-control or restraint, ruled only by my most base desires and a deep-rooted sense of shame.
Today sucked. I spent all last night working on translating a piece of prose for school, and didn’t get to sleep until 3:30.
Then some cock-knocking construction worker woke me up at 7:30 to inform me that they were shutting the water off in the building for repairs, and that I had about 30 seconds if I wanted to brush my teeth, shower or make coffee (I’ve started drinking coffee recently).
So of course I get picked on in school to read my translation to everyone, looking all disheveled because I hadn’t showered.
“Perhaps the Killam [Library] could have a real walrus pit. If the existing waterways in the atrium could be deepened, there should be enough room to accommodate a walrus or two. A bellowing walrus could be a welcome distraction!”—
This note was left on a comment board in the library by one of my all time favourite professors. He has an amazing sense of humour and he’s enthusiastic about the subjects he teaches. You can’t ask for much more than that in a teacher. He also knows, like, a dozen languages.
I have about a thousand stories of how awesome and nerdy he is:
I stalked him online once and found out he regularly posts on a message board for dedicated ballpoint pen collectors. He does reviews of hard-to-find inks.
He corrects the grammar of graffiti in the men’s washrooms on campus.
He has a framed quote from the Lord of the Rings in his office, except it’s translated into Hebrew (it’s one of the languages he teaches).
In which our conversation takes a turn for the worse
[04:49 AM] BEN: I like how people can easily judge my character after hanging out with me for a few seconds [04:49 AM] BEN: first words that came out of Ellie’s mouth at cowboy party: “YOU ARE A BAD, BAD MAN” [04:49 AM] adam: yes [04:49 AM] adam: to be fair [04:49] adam: you were wearing a dinosaur towel turban [04:49] BEN: That’s true [04:49] adam: at a cowboys and indians party [04:49] BEN: and I had a lipstick caste dot [04:50] BEN: and asked where the bathroom was in a stereotypical punjabi accent [04:50] BEN: I deserved it. … [05:03] adam: Jesus [05:03] adam: 5am [05:03] BEN: im just stayign up [05:03] adam: Ditto [05:03] BEN: cause i gotta go to the studio early to get shit in [05:03] adam: I’m listening to CBC radio one [05:03] adam: I fucking love it [05:04] adam: The have this program called Ideas [05:04] adam: sometimes it’s really good [05:04] adam: a bunch of King’s profs have worked on it [05:04] adam: Like, a while ago they had a program about Heidegger [05:04] adam: and yesterday there was a really interesting look at why people commit suicide [05:04] adam: but then last night [05:04] adam: they did a whole episode of Ideas [05:05] adam: all about women’s menstrual periods [05:05] adam: so fucking gross… talking about Toxic Shock Syndrome and tampons that were like, and I quote “Pulling an umbrella out of a vagina.” [05:05] adam: Needless to say, I was unable to listen to any part of the broadcast after that [05:06] adam: And yet I would still chew off my arm to stick my dick in a decent vagina [05:06] adam: Go figure. [05:08] BEN: HAHAHA [05:12] BEN: pulling an umbrella [05:12] BEN: out [05:12] BEN: what hte fuck [05:12] BEN: sgdjlh;slkashfjk [05:12] adam: It was gross [05:12] adam: also [05:13] adam: all of the scientists they had on to explain things about tampons and lady times [05:13] adam: were dudes [05:13] adam: What the fuck? [05:13] BEN: hahahha [05:13] adam: I mean, I can understand why a girl would want to devote her career to solving menopause or exploring The Bleeding Time or whatever, but a dude? [05:13] adam: That just strikes me as weird. [05:14] adam: You make hardboiled eggs yet? [05:15] BEN: oh shit [05:15] BEN: i forgot about them [05:15] BEN: FUCK BRB [05:15] adam: LOL [05:17] BEN: oh wow [05:17] BEN: one of them had burst [05:17] BEN: and made a thin film [05:17] BEN: of like [05:17] BEN: plastic egg-shit over the frying pan [05:17] BEN: it looked like something out of the alien movies [05:18] adam: HAHAHAHA [05:20] adam: Are they otherwise edible? [05:24] BEN: completely [05:25] adam: Wonderful. [05:26] adam: Fuck I am starting to fall asleep. [05:26] BEN: my only thing about eggs [05:26] BEN: is that [05:26] BEN: ive had nightmares of [05:26] BEN: eating them [05:26] BEN: and there being [05:26] BEN: an underdeveloped fucking dead chick inside [05:26] adam: chickens inside? [05:26] BEN: yah [05:26] adam: Nice. [05:26] BEN: they eat that shit in [05:26] BEN: where is it [05:26] adam: Expecially hard boiled. [05:26] BEN: fuckin southeast asia i think [05:26] adam: My most recent nightmare [05:26] adam: they turned the grocery store into a zoo [05:27] adam: and took you on a safari in a shopping cart [05:27] adam: it was mostly rhinos and hippos [05:27] adam: but there were lions and tigers [05:27] adam: technically, they could have jumped into the cart and ate you [05:27] adam: BUT [05:27] adam: the zookeeper had chopped off all their feet [05:27] adam: they were terrifying and sad at the same time [05:27] BEN: wahahaha [05:27] adam: because they couldn’t walk without their feet [05:28] adam: They had legs, just no feet. [05:28] adam: It was really fucked up. [05:28] adam: But I like your egg nightmare more. [05:29] BEN: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balut_(egg) [05:29] BEN: jesus fucking christ [05:29] BEN: what the fuck [05:30] adam: Cambodia: Come for the massacres, stay for the egg with the chicken fetus still inside. [05:30] BEN: seriously what hte fuck [05:31] adam: I met a guy one time, travelled all over that part of Asia. got kidnapped by Maoist rebels in Nepal, supposedly. [05:31] adam: Anyways, said you could pay money to shoot at cattle in Cambodia. [05:31] BEN: hahahaha [05:32] adam: Like, $200 you could kill a cow with an AK-47, $500 you could obliterate it with an RPG. [05:32] adam: I guess the farmers make more from it than selling beef. [05:32] adam: I’ve wanted to go there ever since. [05:33] BEN: thats fucking hilarious [05:33] BEN: and also a major breach of animal cruelty laws hhahaha [05:33] adam: There are no laws in the jungle. [05:33] adam: Hahahaha [05:33] BEN: true [05:34] adam: Only the law of Nature. [05:34] adam: So there is one law in the jungle, technically speaking. [05:34] adam: Is that sadistic? That I want to travel around the world to pay money to shoot at cattle? [05:35] BEN: and frankly [05:35] BEN: nature is okay [05:35] BEN: with blowing up cows [05:35] BEN: with RPGs [05:35] BEN: better than travelling around the world to bang little kids [05:36] adam: That’s a good point. [05:37] adam: Yeah, the guy who told me about the cattle [05:37] adam: got “kidnapped” by Maoist rebels in Nepal [05:37] adam: they stormed his bus [05:37] adam: He gave them some euros or whatever and they let him go. [05:38] adam: Long Live Communism. [05:38] BEN: hahahah [05:38] BEN: it’s not a far-fetched story though [05:38] BEN: shit like that happens every now and then [05:38] adam: I believe it. [05:38] adam: I’m pretty sure the rebels have actually made significant gains in Nepal in the last few years [05:39] BEN: hahha
[03:30] BEN: why can’t you get an ale after 2 in halifax [03:30] BEN: fucking pubs should be open till 5 [am] [03:36] adam: yeah [03:37] BEN: what are you up to? [03:40] adam: homeowrk [03:40] adam: that i should have done [03:40] adam: tuesday [03:40] adam: jesus [03:40] adam: lol [03:41] adam: i will never learn [03:41] adam: and you? [03:41] BEN: fuck all [03:42] BEN: drinkin a martini actually [03:42] BEN: LOL. [03:42] BEN: out of a coffee mug. [03:42] BEN: vermouth and vodka [03:42] BEN: on the rocks [03:47] adam: lol [03:48] BEN: so yeah [03:48] BEN: im an alcoholic apparently [03:48] BEN: hahahah [03:48] BEN: i got home form school and was like [03:48] BEN: WELL I MIGHT AS WELL KNOCK A FEW BACK [03:48] BEN: then I passed out [03:48] BEN: and woke up an houra go [03:48] adam: LOL [03:48] adam: is it still a martini if it’s in a mug? [03:49] adam: I think you just invented the mugtini. [03:49] BEN: HAHAH [04:14] BEN: my goal in life is to have a trimmed beard and drink scotch on the rocks on a victorian lounge chair in a study with like taxidermy lion heads and a big expensive looking globe and a map of the british empire [04:15] adam: That is an amazing goal [04:16] adam: My goal is to travel the third world with a pith hat and an elephant gun and talk down to the natives about how they are uncivilized and how they need to find Christ and produce goods to sell cheaply to us and make it back to Canada alive [04:16] BEN: hahahahaha [04:19] adam: LOL [04:20] BEN: fucking australians hahahah [04:20] BEN: so racist [04:20] BEN: i found out about this comedian they have called King Billy Coke Bottle [04:20] BEN: he basically does blackface standup pretending to be a noongar [04:21] BEN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aflMV1L3xIM [04:26] adam: LOL [04:26] adam: fuuuuuuuck [04:26] adam: i just knocked over [04:26] adam: my ashtray cup [04:27] adam: and [04:27] BEN: hahahaah [04:27] adam: dont have a vacuum cleaner at the moment [04:27] adam: fuuuuuuuuuuuck [04:27] adam: it’s a red beer cup [04:27] adam: with ashes [04:27] adam: from joints [04:27] BEN: brutal hahaha [04:27] adam: all over my fucking carpet [04:27] adam: I accidentally got rid of the chord to charge my old small vacuum [04:28] adam: so Mom is sending me a new one [04:28] adam: a real one [04:28] BEN: fuck [04:28] BEN: why is ale the best thing ever? [04:28] adam: not a tiny thing [04:28] adam: What are my options here? [04:28] adam: Just leave it there and not walk in that area? [04:28] adam: Or try to sweep it up? [04:28] adam: with a broom [04:28] adam: brooms suck at carpet though [04:28] adam: and i fear [04:28] adam: will just push the ashed into the carpet and spread them [04:28] BEN: fuck [04:29] BEN: yeah just tape the area off [04:29] BEN: and don’t walk there [04:29] adam: yeah [04:29] adam: probably my best option
[04:34] adam: you are the best to talk to at 430 in the morning [04:34] adam: swear to god [04:35] BEN: hhahahaah [04:35] BEN: this is the only time im really awake [04:35] adam: same [04:35] BEN: i think im gonna make some hard boiled eggs [04:35] BEN: fuck yeah [04:35] adam: NICE [04:35] adam: I made 3:30 sandwhiches a while ago [04:35] BEN: ive got some slices of miner’s sourdoe left [04:36] adam: basically [04:36] BEN: that’s all i buy for bread [04:36] adam: they’re toast and hotsauce and mayonnaise and deli turkey and roast beef [04:36] adam: Sourdoe? Nice. [04:36] adam: and you eat them only at 3:30 or later. [04:37] adam: Have I told you about my Fried Adams? [04:37] BEN: hahahah [04:37] BEN: no [04:37] adam: I named them after the Fried Charlies from a TV show. [04:37] adam: basically [04:37] adam: pita wrap + cheese + hot sauce (usually cock sauce) + whatever meat is in the fridge [04:38] adam: Put it in the oven (because i dont have a microwave) until the cheese melts [04:38] BEN: hahaha [04:38] BEN: how is that fried [04:38] adam: yeah I guess it isn’t [04:38] BEN: or do you fry it afterwards [04:38] adam: naw [04:38] BEN: LOL [04:38] BEN: i bet thatd be good [04:38] adam: but that is a good idea [04:38] adam: maybe i should start frying them [04:38] BEN: too much effort? [04:38] adam: that’s what i’m going to do [04:38] adam: instead of cooking them [04:38] adam: from now on [04:38] BEN: well wait till the cheese melts [04:38] adam: YES [04:39] BEN: then you fire that fucker on a frying pan with some vegetable oil [04:39] adam: stsly [04:39] BEN: singe the wrap and all that [04:39] BEN: fuckin sound [04:39] adam: we need to have Fried Adams and Mugtinis some night [04:39] BEN: hahahahahaha
[04:39] BEN: did you puke after the cowboy and injin party [04:39] BEN: I did [04:39] BEN: I puked my intestines out [04:39] BEN: had to shoev them back in afterward [04:40] adam: I did not puke [04:41] adam: surprisingly [04:41] adam: maybe because I mixed my vodka with juice [04:41] BEN: yeaahh [04:41] BEN: thatd be it [04:41] adam: instead of drinking it straight from Dan Akroyd’s Crystal Skull [04:41] BEN: I also drank an entire bottle of wine [04:41] BEN: beforehand [04:41] adam: You did [04:41] BEN: i killed the bottle at jarett’s [04:41] adam: I remember [04:41] BEN: LOL [04:41] BEN: fuck [04:41] adam: I am posting this all on tumblr [04:41] adam: BTW [04:41] BEN: if i cna do that and not get drunk [04:41] BEN: fuck [04:41] BEN: LOL [04:42] BEN: HAHAHHAHA