Goats from Underground

Pro Tip: if you ever get arrested on 164 charges of fraud, forgery and identity theft and your “high powered lawyer” manages to swing you a psychiatric assessment in the hopes that you might be declared “not criminally responsible due to a mental disorder”, do yourself a solid and don’t post about faking the crazy on Facebook.

Bonus Tip: try some security settings on your facebook page, Mr. PhD, because everyone - including Johnny Law - can see what your “third party agents” are posting. 

If Halifax is really lucky, he’ll be locked up long enough that his “World’s Biggest Pubcrawl” event won’t happen.

More Here.

It stars Tobias Fünke and G.O.B. from Arrested Development. Tobias gets picked to sell Thunder Muscle energy drinks in the UK and hilarity ensues (there are also some great jokes involving Canada).    

You need to be watching this, if only for lines like “I will fuck the old out of you”, and “[I want to] fuck her so hard her gynecologist needs to see a therapist.” 

Judging by people’s reactions to me, anyways.

Guy in store: it’s okay to talk, you know.

Me: yeah, I know. It’s just, you know…

*Awkward silence as I pay for my ghetto juice and leave*

Then walking into my apartment today:

Apartment manager: hey are you 18? 1806? 

Me: Yeah, yeah that’s me.

Apartment manager: there’s a package came for you in the office. Oh, did I startle you? I’m sorry if I yelled.

Me: Me? Startled? No, no. I saw you there. Right there, by the elevator. You didn’t startle me. I don’t startle.

So last night we carved pumpkins and smoked panda. It was fun. I also saw The Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time ever. I don’t really see what all the hype was about.

Awesome Quotes

• Ashley: Remember [our old Japanese roommate] Toshii? He asked us what the holiday was where we carved turnips. That was awesome.
• Me [while carving pumpkin]: I wonder if this is what our brains really look like. Friend: Well, less seeds, probably.
• While watching Nightmare: Can you imagine if you were an elf at Santa’s workshop and you spent your entire life making toys and candy canes and bringing joy to kids and then all of a sudden a goddamn skeleton shows up? I would piss my little elf-pants.

Somehow I was the only person who managed to finish carving my pumpkin. 

Acquaintance: Hey! Long time no see. The last time we saw each other you were drunk as hell and wearing that monk’s costume.

My brain: yeah, and your roommate was still alive.

My brain: do not say that out loud. If you actually say those words I’m switching into self-loathing mode for the rest of the day.

Me: haha yeah some girl puked on it so I had to throw it out.

Istanbul expects the panda to arrive from Peking shortly, but it is raining in Tel Aviv and we have no umbrella.

It is called the KFC Double Down and while this might be old news for some of you, it has only become available in Canada as of yesterday.

Anyways, look at that burger. The Globe and Mail tells me that this monster contains no less than 540 calories, 30 grams of fat and 1,740 (!) milligrams of sodium. That’s insane.

I bet they had to kill two chickens (or just one of the super birds those anti-everything PETAphiles are always complaining about) just to make the damn thing. 

So if I stop posting later this week it’s because I’ve died of a heart attack at the crispy tender age of 22 after eating one of these. But don’t mourn my passing, because I’ll have died the way I lived: without any trace of self-control or restraint, ruled only by my most base desires and a deep-rooted sense of shame.

Ugh.